There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from an airplane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.
Problem solved.
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Monday, 23 March 2009
Pregnant lesson
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, “This doesn’t feel so bad.”
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
“You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?” the husband asked.
“Exactly,” replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
“You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?” the husband asked.
“Exactly,” replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”
And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’ I said, ‘Dust.’ And then the fight started… ———-
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.’ I bought her a scale. And then the fight started… ———-
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive… So, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started… ———-
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.’ And then the fight started… ———-
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she Hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think that a person could go on Celebrating that long?’ And then the fight started… ———-
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my Order first. “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”" “Nah, she can order for herself.” And then the fight started… ———-
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a Compliment.” The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’ And then the fight started….. ———-
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started…. ———-
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday. And then the fight started….. ———-
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’ So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’ The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’ And then the fight started….. ———-
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’ My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?’ And then the fight started … ———-
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?” And that’s when the fight started…. ———-
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.” And that’s when the fight started.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.’ I bought her a scale. And then the fight started… ———-
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive… So, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started… ———-
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.’ And then the fight started… ———-
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she Hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think that a person could go on Celebrating that long?’ And then the fight started… ———-
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my Order first. “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”" “Nah, she can order for herself.” And then the fight started… ———-
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a Compliment.” The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’ And then the fight started….. ———-
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started…. ———-
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday. And then the fight started….. ———-
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’ So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’ The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’ And then the fight started….. ———-
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’ My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?’ And then the fight started … ———-
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?” And that’s when the fight started…. ———-
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.” And that’s when the fight started.
Monday, 9 March 2009
Dominate Your Mate
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.
Friday, 6 March 2009
wedding and revenge
This is a true story about a wedding and a little thing called revenge.
It was a huge wedding with about three hundred guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on the stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and for providing such a fabulous reception.
He said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was an envelope; He said that this was his gift to everyone, and that everyone should open them at the same time. Inside each envelope was an eight by ten picture of his best man having sex with the bride.
He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man and bride and said, "Screw you both!" then turned to the crowd and left. He had the marriage annulled 1st thing Monday morning.
Most people's would break off the engagement right away after finding about the affair, this guy went through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong. His revenge was making the bride's parents pay over forty thousand dollars for three hundred people at a wedding reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. Best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families!
It was a huge wedding with about three hundred guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on the stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and for providing such a fabulous reception.
He said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was an envelope; He said that this was his gift to everyone, and that everyone should open them at the same time. Inside each envelope was an eight by ten picture of his best man having sex with the bride.
He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man and bride and said, "Screw you both!" then turned to the crowd and left. He had the marriage annulled 1st thing Monday morning.
Most people's would break off the engagement right away after finding about the affair, this guy went through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong. His revenge was making the bride's parents pay over forty thousand dollars for three hundred people at a wedding reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. Best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families!
Especially to people who are to get married
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."
Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad : "That happens in most countries son."
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair ?
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.
A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman replied, "A Billionaire."
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."
Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad : "That happens in most countries son."
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair ?
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.
A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman replied, "A Billionaire."
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