Son's prayer (Joke)

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

The blonde and the sheep (Joke)

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?

Paid in full

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Explain That (Joke)

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk.A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."

"That's not so bad,what's the big deal?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened?" the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Again?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.
"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."

speeding

A driver is pulled over by a police man.

Man: Is there a problem Officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh I see.
Officer: Can I see your licence please?
Man: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Man: Lost it 4 times for drink driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Man: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Man: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Man: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.
Officer: You what?
Man: She's in the boot if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The man steps out of his vehicle.Man: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Man: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please.

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

Officer2: Is this your car sir?
Man: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, raped and murdered the owner.
Man: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.