Wouldn’t it be nice to just give all the idiots of the world signs?
Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
Here’s your sign lady. Wear it with pride. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon which activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here’s your sign guys. Don’t get it wet, the paint might run. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 3 A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don’t bother with this guy’s sign. He probably couldn’t read it anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 5 Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.”
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe him. At this point the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
(Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 6 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!”
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
(This guy doesn’t need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 7 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
(Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said the couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
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Wednesday, 27 May 2009
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
The hunter
The Hunter
An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Joke - Hanging on a rope
There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from an airplane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.
Problem solved.
No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.
Problem solved.
Monday, 23 March 2009
Pregnant lesson
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, “This doesn’t feel so bad.”
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
“You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?” the husband asked.
“Exactly,” replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
“You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?” the husband asked.
“Exactly,” replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”
And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’ I said, ‘Dust.’ And then the fight started… ———-
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.’ I bought her a scale. And then the fight started… ———-
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive… So, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started… ———-
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.’ And then the fight started… ———-
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she Hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think that a person could go on Celebrating that long?’ And then the fight started… ———-
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my Order first. “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”" “Nah, she can order for herself.” And then the fight started… ———-
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a Compliment.” The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’ And then the fight started….. ———-
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started…. ———-
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday. And then the fight started….. ———-
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’ So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’ The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’ And then the fight started….. ———-
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’ My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?’ And then the fight started … ———-
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?” And that’s when the fight started…. ———-
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.” And that’s when the fight started.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.’ I bought her a scale. And then the fight started… ———-
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive… So, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started… ———-
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.’ And then the fight started… ———-
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she Hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think that a person could go on Celebrating that long?’ And then the fight started… ———-
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my Order first. “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”" “Nah, she can order for herself.” And then the fight started… ———-
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a Compliment.” The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’ And then the fight started….. ———-
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started…. ———-
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday. And then the fight started….. ———-
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’ So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’ The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’ And then the fight started….. ———-
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’ My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?’ And then the fight started … ———-
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?” And that’s when the fight started…. ———-
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.” And that’s when the fight started.
Monday, 9 March 2009
Dominate Your Mate
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.
Friday, 6 March 2009
wedding and revenge
This is a true story about a wedding and a little thing called revenge.
It was a huge wedding with about three hundred guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on the stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and for providing such a fabulous reception.
He said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was an envelope; He said that this was his gift to everyone, and that everyone should open them at the same time. Inside each envelope was an eight by ten picture of his best man having sex with the bride.
He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man and bride and said, "Screw you both!" then turned to the crowd and left. He had the marriage annulled 1st thing Monday morning.
Most people's would break off the engagement right away after finding about the affair, this guy went through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong. His revenge was making the bride's parents pay over forty thousand dollars for three hundred people at a wedding reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. Best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families!
It was a huge wedding with about three hundred guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on the stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and for providing such a fabulous reception.
He said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was an envelope; He said that this was his gift to everyone, and that everyone should open them at the same time. Inside each envelope was an eight by ten picture of his best man having sex with the bride.
He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man and bride and said, "Screw you both!" then turned to the crowd and left. He had the marriage annulled 1st thing Monday morning.
Most people's would break off the engagement right away after finding about the affair, this guy went through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong. His revenge was making the bride's parents pay over forty thousand dollars for three hundred people at a wedding reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. Best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families!
Especially to people who are to get married
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."
Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad : "That happens in most countries son."
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair ?
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.
A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman replied, "A Billionaire."
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."
Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad : "That happens in most countries son."
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair ?
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.
A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman replied, "A Billionaire."
Sunday, 15 February 2009
Son's prayer (Joke)
One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
The blonde and the sheep (Joke)
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.
A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?
A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?
Tuesday, 10 February 2009
Paid in full
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
Explain That (Joke)
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk.A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
"That's not so bad,what's the big deal?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened?" the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Again?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.
"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
"That's not so bad,what's the big deal?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened?" the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Again?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.
"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."
Saturday, 7 February 2009
speeding
A driver is pulled over by a police man.
Man: Is there a problem Officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh I see.
Officer: Can I see your licence please?
Man: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Man: Lost it 4 times for drink driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Man: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Man: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Man: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.
Officer: You what?
Man: She's in the boot if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The man steps out of his vehicle.Man: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Man: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please.
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
Officer2: Is this your car sir?
Man: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, raped and murdered the owner.
Man: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
Man: Is there a problem Officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh I see.
Officer: Can I see your licence please?
Man: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Man: Lost it 4 times for drink driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Man: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Man: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Man: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.
Officer: You what?
Man: She's in the boot if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The man steps out of his vehicle.Man: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Man: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please.
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
Officer2: Is this your car sir?
Man: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, raped and murdered the owner.
Man: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
Saturday, 31 January 2009
Believe in your heart
Believe in your heart that something
wonderful is about to happen.
Love your life.
Believe in your own power,
and in your own potential,
and your own innate goodness.
Wake every morning with the awe
of just being alive.
Discover each day the magnificent,
awesome beauty in the world.
Explore and embrace life
in yourself and in everyone
you see each day.
Reach within to find your own specialness.
Amaze yourself and rouse those
around you to the potential
of each new day.
Don't be afraid to admit
you're less than perfect;
this is the essence of our humanity.
Let those who love you help you;
Trust enough to be able to take.
Look with hope to the horizon of today,
for today is all we truly have.
Live this day well.
Let a little sun out as well as in.
Create your own rainbows.
Be open to all your possibilities,
and all miracles.
Always believe in miracles.
wonderful is about to happen.
Love your life.
Believe in your own power,
and in your own potential,
and your own innate goodness.
Wake every morning with the awe
of just being alive.
Discover each day the magnificent,
awesome beauty in the world.
Explore and embrace life
in yourself and in everyone
you see each day.
Reach within to find your own specialness.
Amaze yourself and rouse those
around you to the potential
of each new day.
Don't be afraid to admit
you're less than perfect;
this is the essence of our humanity.
Let those who love you help you;
Trust enough to be able to take.
Look with hope to the horizon of today,
for today is all we truly have.
Live this day well.
Let a little sun out as well as in.
Create your own rainbows.
Be open to all your possibilities,
and all miracles.
Always believe in miracles.
Thursday, 1 January 2009
Merry Christmas and a prosperous new year
A Christmas from within…
May you not only have but also share the wonder of Christmas – birth of Jesus within your heart,
which is Faith to those who have lost the true belief;
May you not only have but also share the gladness of Christmas,
which is hope, to those without or with less hope;
May you not only have but also share the spirit of Christmas,
which is peace to those without peace of heart, mind body and soul;
May you not only have but also share the heart of Christmas,
which is love to those who feel unloved or neglected.
A Merry Christmas 2008 and a Prosperous New Year 2009.
Moses Wanjala.
May you not only have but also share the wonder of Christmas – birth of Jesus within your heart,
which is Faith to those who have lost the true belief;
May you not only have but also share the gladness of Christmas,
which is hope, to those without or with less hope;
May you not only have but also share the spirit of Christmas,
which is peace to those without peace of heart, mind body and soul;
May you not only have but also share the heart of Christmas,
which is love to those who feel unloved or neglected.
A Merry Christmas 2008 and a Prosperous New Year 2009.
Moses Wanjala.
Buon Natale
È NATALE ! Grazie a Dio…
Oggi e ora il Figlio di Dio, il Figlio di Maria
nasce nella profondità del nostro cuore;
viene a percorrere con noi
la via dell’amore.
Venga il Tuo regno.
Venga la Tua luce nel nostro cammino della vita quotidiana.
"Io sono la luce del mondo; chi segue me, non camminerà nelle tenebre,
ma avrà la luce della vita" (Gv 8,12).
La vera gioia e la pace del Signore sia sempre su di noi!
Buon Natale 2008! Un Fecondo Anno 2009!
Ti ringrazio di cuore per quello che sei a me. Uniamoci sempre nella preghiera.
Moses Wanjala sdb.
Oggi e ora il Figlio di Dio, il Figlio di Maria
nasce nella profondità del nostro cuore;
viene a percorrere con noi
la via dell’amore.
Venga il Tuo regno.
Venga la Tua luce nel nostro cammino della vita quotidiana.
"Io sono la luce del mondo; chi segue me, non camminerà nelle tenebre,
ma avrà la luce della vita" (Gv 8,12).
La vera gioia e la pace del Signore sia sempre su di noi!
Buon Natale 2008! Un Fecondo Anno 2009!
Ti ringrazio di cuore per quello che sei a me. Uniamoci sempre nella preghiera.
Moses Wanjala sdb.
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